The GOLD In Burn-OUT

Maybe you recognize this?

A few years ago, when I ended up at home with severe burnout, I turned my recovery into... Project Burnout.

😂

Books. Podcasts. Meditation. Acupressure mat. Yoga. Breathwork. Schedules.

Today the psychologist. Tomorrow the sauna. The day after, a massage. And don't forget to walk every day, eat healthy, drink enough water, breathe deeply, practise gratitude and, above all... Relax. Pfffffff.

Everything was about getting better as quickly as possible.

I was exhausted.

Because in reality, it was exactly the same pattern as before. Only now it wasn't called work anymore, it was called recovery.

Eventually, I came to a complete standstill. Frozen on the couch. While my mind raced through every possible "productive" thing I could do that day, I only became more anxious. The endless choices paralysed me. More than once, I found myself sitting in exactly the same spot by the end of the afternoon, without having moved an inch. Angry with myself for wasting another day.

Completely frustrated. Stuck.

How was I ever going to get out of this?

I talked about it with an older, wise friend. She asked me one simple question.

"Can you still love yourself while you're sitting on that couch, frozen, with no idea what to do with your life?"

Oof...

The answer came out before I could think.

"No."

She smiled.

"Then that's exactly where you need to be. Go and hold that girl instead." ❤️

I had to stop trying to earn myself over and over again.

Who was I without all the identities and conditions on which I'd built my sense of worth and safety?

If I work hard...

If I recover...

If I earn enough money...

If I'm spiritual enough...

If I finally find my purpose...

If I have my energy back...

...then I'll finally be enough.

But what she was really saying was this:

"No. Now. On this couch. In this freeze. Without a plan. Without a solution. Without an identity."

That felt radical.

At first, my burnout felt like the end of my life. Looking back, it became the empty space in which my real life slowly began to emerge.

Only after I finally let everything go.

Then she said something else. "Nothing is wrong."

Nothing is wrong with you.

Nothing is wrong with your life.

Nothing is wrong with where you are.

Everything is already exactly as it needs to be.

At first, I didn't trust those words. "Nothing is wrong?" I had no idea who I was anymore. I didn't know what my body could handle. I didn't know who I was becoming.

I was a mess.

Couldn't she see that?

She simply looked at me and quietly repeated:

"Nothing is wrong. Not with you. Not with your life. You are exactly where you need to be."

Those words alone... Nothing is wrong.

They were incredibly healing.

The more I reflected on them, the more my body relaxed. For the first time in a very long while, I felt myself exhale.

There came a period when there was nothing left to solve.

I couldn't go back to my old life. But I also didn't yet know who I was without it.

Everything felt empty. Meaningless.

As though my entire life was falling apart.

Every trace of ambition had disappeared.

Looking back, I discovered that perhaps the emptiness wasn't a mistake at all.

Many spiritual traditions call this the desert, the dark night of the soul or simply a transition. Others call it The Void.

The gold was in the emptiness that remained afterwards.

Because that was when I truly started living, but not from the same old drive.

It stopped being about who I thought I had to become. Instead, it became about the quality from which I chose to live.

I used to live from:

I have to.

Now I live from:

I listen.

Very simply.

What does my body need right now? If I don't have to be anywhere. If I don't have to improve or fix anything.

That is something completely different from giving up.

That is coming home.

For someone who spent her entire life believing:

I have to try harder.

I have to improve myself.

I have to prove myself.

I have to heal.

I have to fix my trauma.

I have to find my purpose.

...this became my greatest test.

Whenever a thought makes my shoulders soften... my breath deepen... and my body relax...

there is usually more truth in that thought than in a hundred new to-do lists.

I no longer have to repair myself before I deserve love, peace or a place in this world.

❤️

Reflection

Can you still love yourself when you don't know who you are, where you're going or what you have left to offer?